Attackers Report:

How cute. They're shooting you with pistols.

An entire fortress; an entire fortress painted blue; and all they've got to shoot out of the siege weapon emplacements and arrow slits are pistols.

Leila strolls up to the gates of the fortress and begins to casually disassemble them with her claws. The unicorns charge the doors occasionally too. They're helping, or something.

Unicorns are massive creatures, some of which can grow to be as tall as an Ophidian hunter with a body three times that length. They have huge barrelled chests and short stubby legs, but are capable of short bursts of speed when they choose. They are known for the horns that grow from their forehead.

These creatures are twice the size of the traditional unicorn. Their mouths contain double rows of teeth. They stink like rotten meat, and are said to be capable of mimicking the sounds of lost animals or hunters to lure the unwary astray so they can feast on them. But mostly they just seem to make this kind of low growling noise.

Moonghost patiently waits just beyond pistol range, turning the unicorns around when they get distracted by running in front of them and using himself as bait to lure them back towards the fortress.

Sometimes they charge Leila instead, but she's pretty good at dodging.

Meanwhile Xanthan and Tecocol attempt to distract as many of the pistoliers as possible by attempting to climb the walls of the fortress in various places, waiting for the pistoliers to run over, and then dropping down and running around to another location.

Finally, Leila manages to break down the massively thick wood and metal doors of the fortress; the unicorns charge past her, eager to get stuck in to the tasty humans they can smell inside.

Unfortunately, the fortress isn't really built very well for unicorns to maneuver in. The creatures are incredibly tough, but more than once you have to back them out of a stairwell that they have got stuck in whilst the Mill'enese pistoleers shoot them to pieces.

The defenders of this fortress are an eccentric lot, as befits Utopians who have been stuck in a fortress in the middle of nowhere for some time.

There are ten incredibly stern and dedicated spearmen in green uniforms, Elizabeth's Spears; they all perish when they attempt to corner one of the unicorns, which is a terrible mistake.

There are the annoyingly inventive 1st Weaver Pistoleers, ten Mill'enese who keep popping up in the most awkward of places and making Leila insist that Xanthan and Tecocal stop for long enough for her to keep them from bleeding to death.

Xanthan takes a particular delight in consigning them to the Rainbow Wolf Spider, and gets seven of them before the last three escape the fortress and flee for their lives.

Then there are The White Coats, who are like the 1st Weaver Pistoleers except even more irritating because they seem almost impossible to kill.

There are fortunately only eight of them, and eventually you find six of them in various places, having finally crawled off and expired from their wounds; you assume the other two have also got away.

Then there are twenty Flembics who like to announce their incredibly pretentious unit names - "Beware, villains, because you face The Infinte Tapestry!" and "Your swords may be sharp, but you will never cut The Thread Of Eternity!".

Naturally, they are incredibly cowardly and fully half of The Infinite Tapestry leg it when they realise that you mean business; the Thread of Eternity do not do quite so well, because one of the unicorns pushes its way out of a second-story window to chase them down and slaughter all but two.

Alas, all of this being shot and running around tight enclosed spaces takes its toll on the poor unicorns; the chase for the last of the Thread of Eternity is Goldentail's final outing, and as you are walking around the fortress working out how to knock it down properly, confident of a job well done, Silvermane collapses, eyes rolling. Leila attempts to perform some emergency surgery, but it is clear she has no idea what she is doing.

And then you see the other half of The Infinite Tapestry, waving at you cheekily from a top-floor window; but as hard as you hunt through the fortress for them, you cannot find all of the defenders, and you are getting shot to pieces by the remaining Mill'enese pistoleers; eventually you have to admit defeat.

Defenders Report:

Dear Ruby,

You know how you left us to defend the fortress? You know, the big blue one in Utopia, right?

You won't believe what just happened.

Two unicorns - but not just any unicorns, the massive stinking necromantic kind of unicorns - came right up to the door, tame as you like, following this hideous creature - it looked like a mokosh and an ophidian had a serious accident with a lumber mill, and then someone had decided that what it really needed were dragon claws, or something!

Then we kind of got distracted for a while because some ophidians were trying to climb the walls. They blended in really well, too, they were kind of blue and gold? So we shot them for a bit, and the next thing we knew, the unicorns were in the fortress!

There was this really quiet ophidian with them too, quite handy with that sword though.

Anyway, you know how dangerous unicorns are, so a bunch of us led them a chase around the lower halls whilst the rest of us locked everything valuable upstairs and waited for them to get tired out.

Unfortunately that mokosh creature thing was pretty tough too, and fast as you like; and worst of all, we heard one of those ophidians making a lot of noise about the Rainbow Wolf Spider - we thought they had another addition to their menagerie at first, but from what she was saying, I think she was sacrificing some of the Pistoleers!

Eventually the unicorns got tired and dead, although Elizabeth's Spears had all insisted on going out hunting them and they're all dead too; and eight of the Thread of Eternity, some of them got run down after the unicorn jumped out of a window after them!

And we can only find two of The White Coats and three of the 1st Weaver Pistoleers, and five of us didn't make it either.

But we tricked them into thinking we were all dead when really we were just in the second layer, and it worked - they didn't want to take hold of the place really, they just wanted to cause a bit of chaos.

Once the unicorns were dead, the fight went right out of them, and they scrambled back into the bushes whence they came.

Yours sincerely,

The Infinite Tapestry

Local Report:

The famous unicorn-proof fortress of the Utopians - it's painted blue, right, and unicorns can't see blue, right? - is attacked by, you guessed it, unicorns.

To be fair, the unicorns have some help.

There's Leila, who looks a bit like a mokosh and an ophidian and a myrmidon had a terrible accident with a lumber mill, but moves like greased lightning and tears down the fortress doors with her bare hands.

Then there's Xanthan and Tecocol, a pair of ophidians, who appear to be the Designated Distraction.

And there's Moonghost, another ophidian, who seems to be the only one with enough patience to actually direct the unicorns at all.

After rampaging around inside the fortress for a while, the unicorns both run out of blood to lose to swordsmen and pistoleers, and fall over dead.

Leila attempts to revive one, but there are enough defenders left that the remainder of the unicorn-wrangling force have no option but to head out of the Utopian lands entirely.

Colony Report:

The famous unicorn-proof fortress of the Utopians - it's painted blue, right, and unicorns can't see blue, right? - is attacked by, you guessed it, unicorns.

After rampaging around inside the fortress for a while - apparently some kind of clawed monstrosity kindly opened the doors for them - the unicorns both run out of blood to lose to swordsmen and pistoleers, and fall over dead.